WHY IS THE WORLD SO CONFUSED BY HAPPY SINGLE WOMEN

Keli H, the author, poses for her Quintessentially blog

Some Preamble

I've genuinely thought about not writing this post. I didn't want to think I was sharing an important idea, that actually wasn't one. But, really, what I'm about to say is nuanced. And there will be people who don't get it. I will have to be okay with that.

So here's the context: my life looks a little different from the people around me. I studied a 6 year long, very expensive, degree that I decided I didn't want to use anymore, short years later (see about Keli H). The career change was something unexpected and largely confusing to the people around me. Being an entrepreneur is not a straight-line trajectory, so where other people are settled, I am still exploring. I don't take pride in being the life of the party, despite being young, and I've been constantly told that my personality is erudite for my age. The intimate social circle I have are people who have found rhythm with our flows of life. I live in a new place every few years because my soul longs for different experiences, and I give it to myself. The constant moving baffles most, but I call it location freedom. I now stay in the coastal town I've dreamt of living in for years, and my next intention is to try out a difference province. As a business owner, I have complete autonomy over my time - Saturdays and Tuesdays feel exactly the same. I have an amazing, passionate, vigorous work group. We are like a high performing sports team that are gunning towards a common purpose. My set of fish have cute quirks - they congregate at the corner of the tank, in the kitchen, to watch me cook, and they become excitable when I walk through the door. This year, I found myself with enough time to take up 3 new hobbies - tennis, chess, and learning German! 

I am, without a shred of doubt, the happiest I have ever been. There is so much excitement in my endeavors, purpose in my work, beauty in the solid relationships I have with the people around me. 

There has never been a moment of panic around not having a husband. Personally, I haven't seen why there should be, in the midst of a life that is so expansive and fulfilled.

My Experience

In the last 7 years or so, the question of my intentions around marriage have become a standard part of any conversation with any person, that I've come to expect. I've especially noticed it in the 2 years since I've turned thirty. Maybe the heightened awareness of it now is because in the face of a happy, purposeful life, I find it a very bizarre thing for others to be pressed about. The fact that I'm doing beautifully seems to matter to people far less than the fact I'm not married. The stereotype of old aunties asking when I plan on getting married is not a trope at all. There is truth to that. But here's the surprising thing: the same question comes from my peers. And worse: it comes from people I meet through business. When did the world become so regressive - or did we ever even really grow out of it? 

Sometimes I think about the bare bones of my life. I am the first woman in my lineage to have the kind of university degree I've got, to have become the director of a business (because women weren't allowed to do this until my lifetime), to have moved out of the family home on my own, to have leisurely traveled solo. This should be a testament to progress, that I can do all these things women once couldn't. It's a breathtaking realization to think - I am the first. 

But then... 

At every networking event I've been to, where people generally attend alone to focus on work, one of the older people will ask, "Are you married?" I'll answer that I'm not. The follow up question will inevitably be, "But you've got a partner, right?" No, that's not right. What I do have is meaningful, supportive relationships with friends, family, team members. Single women aren't missing depth and love in relationships. We've still got it, just with people other than husbands and boyfriends.

Sometimes people can't see beyond their own lives and they think we cannot be happy unless we have what they have. I promise you, single women are not missing the warmth of love in our lives. 

I do understand that in work settings, this question of partnership and children is primarily associated with some kind of institutional validation for older, conservative people. I'll get back to institutional validation in a second. Let's talk about my experience with others my age, which, surprisingly, is hardly any different. 

I've started dreading going to parties and social gatherings. Almost the first topic of conversation from the couples is: Are you seeing anyone yet? There used to be a time when these conversations were fun, I'll admit. Young girls love talking about things like this. As I've grown into more of who I'm really meant to be, I enjoy talking about purpose and experience. I'll say that I've started learning tennis, and a couple will say, suggestively, "Ohhhh, did you take up tennis because there's a hot coach?" My tennis coach is a woman who played professionally across the globe. Or I'll mention that I've started a raw food diet, and I'll get a pair of winks with a, "Which guy are you dating that you're doing this for?" I am mortified for my peers. These comments lack the perspective that women are autonomous beings with free thoughts. And, quite frankly, I'm surprised that this idea that every part of a woman's existence hinges on male presence is actually being perpetuated by my generation. 

This is the perfect time for me to bring up institutional validation again, as promised. There's a second reason I've started avoiding parties and gatherings. I've found that I'm not quite taken seriously on my own. I'll say I don't want a drink - I end up being badgered and booed about being boring, like it's some sort of negotiation. I tell someone I'm going to leave - it turns into a game of convincing me to stay longer. When I've turned up with a man at my side, and he's said, "She won't be drinking tonight," and "I'm taking her home now," it was taken at face value, no further conversation needed. This is a universal experience for girls who turn up by themselves, without a man to advocate for them.

Here's Why

Social settings where pairs cannot understand lives beyond their unit accidentally reduce female autonomy because they're alone — even though they don't feel lonely. I actually don't believe it's purposeful or intentional at all, but it's still disappointing. Happy single women are not lacking anything, but others perceive that they are. In the right (or wrong) social setting, others project disempowerment onto them, and then treat them with less respect than the women who have 'protection' or validation in the form of a partner.

This is a larger conversation about how society treats single women. I did say this conversation will be nuanced and not everyone will understand the relevancy of it. You'll have to decide whether you've got the stomach to read on, because there will be a small criticism of society moving forward.

Like I say, I don't believe anyone intends to participate in this. Yet, under the surface, there is a collective bias that accidentally drives these moments. Globally, across cultures and regions, there's a deep-rooted belief that a woman on her own must be seeking partnership, or is incomplete without it. A self-possessed, solitary woman at a couples-dominated event challenges that bias — and people respond with discomfort masked as persuasion 'in the name of fun'.

Truthfully, we still live in a world of male permission culture. The moment a man goes, "she said no," it’s respected — not because of her 'no' but because another man validated it. That can still be enraging. It’s a reflection of how women’s voices are still not treated as final unless co-signed by male authority.

The pressure to drink or stay longer isn't actually casual, though I'm sure nobody means genuine harm. It's a greater statement to people overriding female boundaries because they assume their choices are open for negotiation, when it's something harmless. But, harmless or not not, people wouldn’t try that with someone whose 'no' was going to be socially reinforced by a partner.

Moving Forward

I used to be embarrassed about the upset that arose in me in situations where I felt proud, accomplished, joyous about my life, and it was diminished with questions about why I'm not married yet. But then I figured, all I want is this: 

I don’t want to live in a world where my autonomy is treated as less real because I walk into a room alone. 

And that's actually not something I need to be embarrassed about asking for. So I've made peace with the fact that I can guilt-free curate the settings in which I place myself. I look forward to participating in settings that reflect the dignity I value. Small, beautiful evenings with thoughtful people, couples I feel great kinship with, singletons whose journeys I admire, families I have much love for, colleagues with whom I share deep purpose, lovely conversation, quiet support, no pressure to be anything other than ourselves — a space that mirrors the energy of all-round respect I want to live in. 

I am happy in all ways, and I know that I will be just as happy when the right partner enters my life. I hope this blog post hasn't been interpreted as male-bashing - I have great adoration for so many of the healthy romantic relationships I see in my life. And when I make a decision to form a solid partnership with someone, it is not going to be from a place of feeling excluded by society, and just wanting to fit in. It is going to be from a place of insight, love, discernment, wisdom, and great self-fulfillment that doesn't need to be fixed by another person. The right partner will make me more of who I am, and it will go both ways. 

For more articles written by Keli H, the author, visit this blog's home page on keli-h.com

Keli H is the award winning author of the 400 series, which includes The Four Hundred Club and Splitting an Empire. The 400 series is high brow contemporary fiction revolving around the lives of wealthy circles. Keli's other works include Creating Literary Art. She is also the founder of The KREST House, a storytelling empire.