POWER DYNAMICS, AS TAUGHT BY CATS
It has to be nature, not nurture, because the two of us grew up in the same household, under the same parenting style, went to the same schools, lived together in an apartment as we studied the same degree at the same university, and even worked at the same place afterwards - yet have wildly different personalities. My brother is straightforward and, reasonably, feels that this has progressed conversations productively in his life.
I feel that people too often use straightforwardness as an excuse for exercising no emotional intelligence.
We weren't able to settle on a definitive answer that day. We agreed that his natural straightforwardness has moved people to take him quite seriously, and my pleasantness has moved people to help me quite eagerly.
A few days after our debate, someone made a request of me. The request itself was audacious and entitled. But worse, when I said no, she pushed harder. Then, a few days after that, someone else didn't ask my permission for something they should have, under the presumption that I would be okay with it. Then, a cat licked me. I promise this becomes relevant. I asked myself why people thought it was okay to do this to me, and not my brother. I came to a realization:
People are simply not scared enough of me.
Circling back to the cat story, the pet moved into my apartment building a good six months ago. I'd never had such close proximity with a cat before. My family grew my brother and I up with dogs. My greatest ambition is to have many dog children and work hard to give them a good life. But now there was an overt cat outside my door, in the corridors, and on the stairways, since it loved all the communal spaces, and I had no idea how I was supposed to interact with it. I was really quite nervous and uncertain around the cat. What if it swat at me, or bit me, or scratched me, or had one of these unpredictable cat moments they're notorious for. I would walk around the cat with a wide berth if we met in the corridor, or move past it swiftly as I went up and down the stairs, and I never presumed to bend down and pet it. The cat made no obvious efforts to allay my discomfort either. It sat everywhere it was entitled to in the building, knowing it didn't have to do anything it didn't want to just to make me feel comfortable.
We went on like this for months, moving at the cat's completely unhurried pace to make good friends. Over the months, I gradually realized it wasn't going to lash at me as long as long I didn't presume to cross its boundaries. I suppose, that was the only thing we owed each other. So for a long time we simply respectfully existed in the same space.
One day, maybe four to five months into this dalliance, I was working at my kitchen counter, with both the front and back doors of my apartment open for a cross breeze. The cat slowly sauntered in. I gently welcomed its final interest in me without pressure. It sat and watched me for a few minutes. This is, of course, a very well groomed, healthy, properly taken care of cat that belongs to a loving family in the building. I didn't mind it being inside, and I'm sure if I had indicated that I minded, it would have left. I can't imagine the cat felt particularly stubborn about being on my kitchen floor. I think it was only there because I'd consistently proven I was a non-threatening presence in the building. When I accidentally dropped what I was holding, the cat startled and skittered out. I was quite disappointed, and worried that it wouldn't trust me again. But the cat wasn't interested in the mistake, the cat was interested in my repeated pattern of trustworthy behaviour.
The next time I saw the cat, it got playful with me for the first time. I was heading back to my place after a power walk around the complex. The cat was sitting on the stairs. It meowed at me and followed me up the stairs. Then it promptly sat down in front of me and blocked my way. I stepped around it and continued up. Then it did the same again. The cat continued to do this all the way up the stairs and to my front door, where it started rubbing itself against my legs. I'm not sure if this was finally permission to touch it, but I didn't take it because I don't understand cats that well and didn't want assume anything. When I opened my door, the cat made to go inside, but on this particular day I didn't have the time capacity to supervise it. I had to shut my door, leaving the cat outside. I wondered for hours afterwards if the cat felt offended at my denying it entry. It legitimately plagued me. But then I thought, how bizarre - of course a cat didn't get offended that I laid a boundary. Only humans do that.
All was good between the cat and I next time we met. This time I was headed down the stairs, on my way out to a power walk. The cat, sitting on the stairs, got up and rubbed itself against my legs. Then - I swear it - the cat licked my knees. I hadn't even realized this was a thing cats do. I giggled out loud, to the cat's surprise. I assured it I was only laughing because a cat's lick is far more ticklish than a dog's. Personally, I think it understood me, because it did it again. For the first time, I reached my hand out to the cat and it came in for a good petting. I sat on the stairs and the cat and I played for a few minutes before I headed out on my walk.
The building cat and I have been good friends since then. There are still days when it sits alone and doesn't invite me into its orbit. Even though I'd love to pet it on these days, I wouldn't dare test this boundary. I've earned its friendship, and it still makes me work to keep this relationship, so I will think twice about taking risks.
The wait, the vetting, the work, the slowness have created a mutual respect far greater than if it had just welcomed me without reservation the first time we met.
Cats are a perfect study in power dynamics. I'm going to embody far more cat energy going forward. Cat energy is:
- self validated: the cat has never felt any need to adjust its presence to make itself more likeable to me
- selective: not everyone gets access to a cat's friendship, and access is only granted once deserving has been proven
- observant: the cat watched my behaviour for months to make sure I was consistently trustworthy before deciding to engage closely with me
- unpredictable: the cat is not overly available to me even though we're friends, so I would still never dare to presume anything goes
- comfort oriented: the cat never felt obligated to do anything out of its comfort zone just to appease me even though it would have made me happy
- affectionate: but only to those who have genuinely earned it, and on its own terms
This is my plan of how I'm going to embody cat energy in real life:
1. Move like I'm not in a rush
Cats never look hurried, even if they are. Cats are universal demonstrations of grace. Even when a cat is moving quickly, there is still precision and control in its movements.
In my daily life I'm going to have slower, more deliberate movements; and I'm not going to scramble to react to everything instantly. The aim is to have people perceive my presence differently.
2. Stop Over Explaining Myself
The cat has never bothered to justify to me - and probably not its owners either - where it's going, why it's it's leaving, and why it's not in the mood to engage at that moment.
I am henceforth going to feel comfortable declining requests without long explanations, and without further discussions with the asker. After all, 'no' is also a complete sentence. When I am done with a conversation, I am going to exit without apology. I am also perfectly allowed to change my approach to people going forward, without over clarifying.
There is power in stating, "This is what I'm doing." Full stop.
3. Be selectively warm
This is possibly the biggest lesson I learnt from the building cat. Cats are not universally warm or equally available to everyone.
I am going to be neutral by default, as I am perfectly allowed to be as long as I am not rude. When I choose to be warm and personable with people, it's going to feel so much more meaningful. This is exactly what the cat did to me.
4. Let people come to me
Cats never chase anyone's attention. They allow people to go up to them more often than they go up to people. This is magnetic.
In practice, not always being the one to initiate, and allowing enough space for others to lean in if they want to - also, not trying to fill every silence - rebalances a relationship dynamic.
5. Prioritize my comfort without guilt
Cats have got no qualms about leaving an interaction, a place, or even a spot, when they are no longer enjoying it.
It doesn't need to turn into a performative drama or endless justification when I am ready to leave spaces and conversations. Just a non-negotiable, polite exit. I can especially apply this at gatherings that turn into laments about my being single, as shared in my post about being a fulfilled single girl in a world that doesn't yet grasp purpose also exists outside of partnership.
6. Watch first, act later
It was pretty iconic of the cat to take time to observe patterns of behaviour before choosing to trust and have close engagements. I'm sure its done this with every resident in the building.
I don't think that this necessarily means being closed off with people. It just means greater discernment in who gets the most of me.
7. Affection is a privilege
When affection is given out as an earned privilege, and not a default mode of behaviour, it feels much more rare and therefore more appreciated by the receiver.
For my personal self, too, it will feel far less draining if I know that the only people who get great emotional investment from me are are people who have earned access to that facet of me.
The Answer
Not to be didactic, but I think I've figured out the conclusion to mine and my brother's debate. The answer isn't a binary choice between being straightforward and likeable. The answer is cat energy.
Clear boundaries of interaction. Consistent enforcement of them, and enforcement of the consequences when they are not respected. Structure around engagements. Ommiting these, and simply leaking my pleasantness everywhere, is exactly what went wrong in my messy relational mishaps recently.
Cats are still warm, cuddly beings, with abundant capacity for connection. But these are very directed qualities, not an automatic expectation.
Written by Keli H, author and literary artist. Quintessentially Keli is her personal editorial archive on style, authorship, art, and inspired living. More articles at keli-h.com
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